Strong, Independent, Black Woman

Disclaimer: I have to start this post with a disclaimer about Michael and Debbie Pearl. I read their book, To Train Up a Child, last year and it did not sit well with me. There are many people I respect who love the book, so I tried reading it again. The second time was even worse. I could not get past the first few chapters.

However, I benefited greatly from reading Created to Be His Help Meet, and I also enjoy the Pearls' monthly No Greater Joy magazine. As with the works of any author, there were some points I agreed with and others I didn't. As the saying goes, I chew the meat and spit out the bones.

I was reading this month's issue of No Greater Joy and saw a letter from a woman who describes herself as "a 34-year-old African-American female." This woman said she came from a family of "strong, independent black women".

She went on to say, "This was thought of as a blessing until I took a good look at why ALL the women in my predominantly-female family have been divorced. Yes, ALL OF THEM!" To make a long story short, she also found herself on the verge of divorce, and credits the book, Created to Be His Helpmeet, with helping to save her marriage.

This letter really struck a chord with me because I was also raised in a family of strong, independent, black women. I think independent women are prized not only in the African-American community, but by our culture as a whole.

But here's what the Bible says about marriage:

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but
one." Mark 10:7-8

Doesn't leave much room for independence, does it?

I think one of the reasons the Lord brought me out of workforce is because if I'd stayed there, my husband and I would be divorced. I can almost hear myself talking about how I have my own car, my own bank account and my own money. Doesn't sound like one flesh, does it?

For the past 7 years I have been dependent on my husband. It began as financial dependence, but is now an emotional dependence as well. This is as it should be, even for women who work outside of the home. There is no independence within marriage. The husband and the wife are dependent on each other. They are "no longer two, but one".

I read the book Created to Be His Help Meet over a year ago, thinking I wouldn't like it, and it turned out to be a blessing to my marriage. (No I did not agree with all of the author's comments. See disclaimer above.)

In reading the book, I realized that my picture of marriage was more about what I could get from my husband, and less about what I could give to him. It was more about being disappointed that he was not who I wanted him to be, and less about being thankful for who he was. It was about maintaining my independence, instead of losing myself to become more than what I once was.

I used to sit around with my friends, complaining that my hardworking, faithful husband was selfish, unsupportive, unhelpful, etc. Over the years, the list grew quite long.

Then one day I decided to talk to people who were happily married. Instead of agreeing with me that my husband was awful, they said things like, "stop nagging," "smile," "find a way to do what he wants you to do," and "die to self."

My marriage is a testimony that Christ can make all things new. My husband and I are best friends again. I love him more each day, and I think he's even more handsome now than he was the day we married.

"The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the
Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them,
because they are spiritually discerned." 1 Corinthians 2:14

The book Created to be His Help Meet is not for everyone, and may even be harmful to some marriages. However, submission to one's husband is biblical. It is foolishness to some, but is wisdom to those who know the Lord.