I have pretty much sworn off parenting books as I feel most of them do more harm than good. However, we were asked to facilitate a parenting group at church based on John Rosemond's Parenting By the Book, and the one word I would use to describe it is, "Refreshing!" Finally, someone with a psychology degree and common sense.
John Rosemond is a psychologist who debunks all the psychology regarding modern day parenting. I do not agree with all of the discipline techniques outlined in Rosemond's book (or any book other than the Bible). However, Rosemond himself says that it is not the method at all which makes great parenting, but the leadership provided by parents.
That's one reason I shy away from most talk about parenting techniques and the parenting "tool box". Are we raising children or fixing vacuum cleaners?
Rosemond feels that modern parents are over reliant on rewards and consequences. Although these systems seem logical, children aren't animals that must respond a certain way according to stimuli. A child has free will and a rebellious nature, and can choose to behave poorly even in the face of a threat or bribe. My oldest son demonstrated Rosemond's point around age 2 or 3.
When Andrew was a toddler, I was caught up in the whole "1 minute of time out per age" routine, and I quickly realized it wasn't working. Andrew could care less whether or not he spent two minutes in time out. In fact, he made a point of showing me it did not effect him.
One day, Andrew started screaming every time I put him in time out. So I said, "If you scream I'm going to close the door." The next time I put him in time out he closed the door on his own. So I said, "Fine, I'll take away your favorite toy." He handed me another toy and said, "Here, take this one too." I was caught up in a game of one upmanship with a 2 year old. Even worse, he was winning!
Now I'm sure there's some psychology major out there thinking, "Something in the home environment must have caused your son to rebel." But I agree with Rosemond's assessment of what causes children to rebel - good old fashioned sin nature. We all have one.
Rosemond says we must get past the the constant questioning of "why" our children misbehave. We must reject the notion that children are born good and will behave well as long as the adults around them are perfect. Bad behavior is not always a result of lack of attention, trust issues, or any of the other nonsense labels we give it. It is often, quite simply, sinful behavior.
I once heard a mom ask for advice on how to stop her 5 year old son from hitting and kicking her. She was told, "Read a book about why hitting hurts. Then make a sticker chart, and if your son goes 5 days without hitting, take him out for ice cream." LOL! That's not what the police will do if Johnny doesn't soon stop his violent behavior.
So what does Rosemond advocate?
1. Stop turning a misbehaving child into a victim by trying to figure out what you may have done to cause the bad behavior. Let your child take ownership for his actions, and make it clear that the behavior must stop.
2. Focus on the type of man or woman you want your child to become, and parent with those goals in mind. Spend less time investing in academics and achievement, and more time investing in values and character.
3. Remember that discipline and love are two sides of the same coin. Do not neglect loving discipline.
Rosemond also advocates *gasp* homeschooling for those who "feel up to it". You know that won him some points in my book.
I'll have to post later about Rosemond's thoughts on self-esteem. I'm sure some of you are already planning a book burning!
2 comments:
So by reprinting his analysis are you saying you agree with that?
I mostly agree, but when in comes to the #1 point, I suppose I'm always afraid of my own sin-nature getting in the way of leading my children properly.
It seems in many issues of "obedience" and "self-esteem" we are down to a case of "my will or yours?" "My self-gratification or yours?"
And that's the thing I haven't "figured out" yet.
How *refreshing* to see a published author to a general public affirm Homeschooling. That would earn him points from me, too.
Also, I appreciate your balanced approach to Pearl's "Helpmate" book. I think what issue I have taken with it really comes from the all-or-nothing approach I've heard from the women around me.
I agree with much of what Rosemond states in his book, and I agree all of the points I posted about.
If issues of obedience do simply boil down to "my will or yours" then my children need to submit to my will for 2 reasons.
1. Foolishness is bound in their hearts. (Proverbs 22:15) My children are young and don't know what's best for them. I am (hopefully) wiser can lead them in a better direction than they can lead themselves.
2. Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. (Ephesians 6:1)
For me, it's not really a matter of self-gratification. We are told in the Bible to lead and discipline our children.
Modern parenting books make it confusing, which is why I don't read them. Try reading Proverbs. There is quite a bit in there about discipline beyond the typically referenced "rod" verses.
Post a Comment