Strong, Independent, Black Woman

Disclaimer: I have to start this post with a disclaimer about Michael and Debbie Pearl. I read their book, To Train Up a Child, last year and it did not sit well with me. There are many people I respect who love the book, so I tried reading it again. The second time was even worse. I could not get past the first few chapters.

However, I benefited greatly from reading Created to Be His Help Meet, and I also enjoy the Pearls' monthly No Greater Joy magazine. As with the works of any author, there were some points I agreed with and others I didn't. As the saying goes, I chew the meat and spit out the bones.

I was reading this month's issue of No Greater Joy and saw a letter from a woman who describes herself as "a 34-year-old African-American female." This woman said she came from a family of "strong, independent black women".

She went on to say, "This was thought of as a blessing until I took a good look at why ALL the women in my predominantly-female family have been divorced. Yes, ALL OF THEM!" To make a long story short, she also found herself on the verge of divorce, and credits the book, Created to Be His Helpmeet, with helping to save her marriage.

This letter really struck a chord with me because I was also raised in a family of strong, independent, black women. I think independent women are prized not only in the African-American community, but by our culture as a whole.

But here's what the Bible says about marriage:

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but
one." Mark 10:7-8

Doesn't leave much room for independence, does it?

I think one of the reasons the Lord brought me out of workforce is because if I'd stayed there, my husband and I would be divorced. I can almost hear myself talking about how I have my own car, my own bank account and my own money. Doesn't sound like one flesh, does it?

For the past 7 years I have been dependent on my husband. It began as financial dependence, but is now an emotional dependence as well. This is as it should be, even for women who work outside of the home. There is no independence within marriage. The husband and the wife are dependent on each other. They are "no longer two, but one".

I read the book Created to Be His Help Meet over a year ago, thinking I wouldn't like it, and it turned out to be a blessing to my marriage. (No I did not agree with all of the author's comments. See disclaimer above.)

In reading the book, I realized that my picture of marriage was more about what I could get from my husband, and less about what I could give to him. It was more about being disappointed that he was not who I wanted him to be, and less about being thankful for who he was. It was about maintaining my independence, instead of losing myself to become more than what I once was.

I used to sit around with my friends, complaining that my hardworking, faithful husband was selfish, unsupportive, unhelpful, etc. Over the years, the list grew quite long.

Then one day I decided to talk to people who were happily married. Instead of agreeing with me that my husband was awful, they said things like, "stop nagging," "smile," "find a way to do what he wants you to do," and "die to self."

My marriage is a testimony that Christ can make all things new. My husband and I are best friends again. I love him more each day, and I think he's even more handsome now than he was the day we married.

"The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the
Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them,
because they are spiritually discerned." 1 Corinthians 2:14

The book Created to be His Help Meet is not for everyone, and may even be harmful to some marriages. However, submission to one's husband is biblical. It is foolishness to some, but is wisdom to those who know the Lord.

On serving our husbands...

Awesome blog entry on Glory be to God called, I Will Serve this Man I love...

No more afro...

Here's me without the 'fro. It's another still half asleep, haven't even washed my face yet picture, and I took it myself. Cute, huh?!



J's best friend is in town this weekend and I love waiting on him and his friends when they are here. I cook them special meals (although J made breakfast this morning), keep the house tidy, chat when they want me to and make myself scarce when they bring out the dominoes.

I think it honors J to feel like the king of his castle when friends are around. And it makes me feel like a Queen.

On keeping our husbands happy...

One thing I have learned over the past 8 years is that the best thing I can possibly do for myself, is keep my husband happy. If I turn my attention to making J happy, instead of complaining because he wants this or that, then he in turn focuses on making me happy, and we both win!

Here's a checklist I had J fill out a while back. It basically let me know his priorities so that I could focus on what he felt was important.

Disclaimer: If you are going to do this activity with your husband, don't judge (or complain about) his choices. So what if he values a clean house and folded laundry over time with the kids? Let the kids tear up the house when he's away and clean it up an hour before he comes home. Your kids are better off with a content father, than they are with one who has been nagged and browbeaten into doing what his wife wants.

Besides, if you consistently aim to please your husband, he will more readily listen to and aim to please you. Call it unfair if you want to, but that's often the way it works. I truly became happy in my marriage when I learned to put J first.

Happy Anniversary to Me...

ahem, Us...

J and I were married 8 years ago today. I remember my friends asking me if I felt nervous on my wedding day. I said, "No, I felt like a Queen!"

J and I started dating when I was 18. We have always been best friends, but that didn't help our marriage. Our first 4 years were filled with near constant conflict and extremely LOUD arguments, many of which my oldest son unfortunately witnessed.

After my daughter was born, I made an effort to keep the peace and our relationship improved. But real change has occured over the past year, when I learned to not just appease J, but to please him. I am learning the secret of submission, and it has made a big difference.

"Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Ephesians 6:22-24

It has taken me a while to wrap my mind around submission. I have heard women say submission means that when husbands and wives disagree, the wives must go with the husbands' decision. Submission means much more to me.

To me, submission is putting my husband first (under God). And putting HIS needs and desires above my own.

"For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man." 1 Corinthians 11:8-9

I was not created to pursue my goals and desires, I was created for my husband. Now I am sure you can't tell I have a strong personality, but my flesh did not want to accept this. I thought submission put me in a position of weakness. Now I see it as a position of strength.

"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'" Genesis 2:18

The Lord could not find a suitable helper for man, so He made woman. My husband needs me.

So I look for ways to help my husband. Instead of thinking, "Sigh... Let me wash these dishes so J won't have anything to complain about." I think, "Let me make this kitchen sparkle so J has something good to look at when he gets home."

Instead of flying off the handle because J came home late and I didn't get my "Me" time. I say, "Honey, you go get some rest. I'll go to homeschool group next week."

I no longer want my man to have to worry about:
-where he puts his dirty clothes
-doing dishes and other household chores
-getting nagged about said chores
-hearing complaints about the life he provides
-having the money he works for squandered
-being disrespected in front of his kids
-having his kids side against him.

I am learning to:
-approach him with issues at the proper time in a respectful manner
-give him room to make mistakes
-handle conflicts in ways that don't challenge his manhood
-allow him to apologize while still saving face.

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1

I am learning to build my house. Now, here is what my man has done for me.

He has started saying things like, "Let me help you fold those clothes" and "Why don't you start getting your nails done every week?"

He has said to his co-worker, "I can't take that appointment, I made a committment to my wife." And to his boss, "I won't be in training next week - it's my anniversary!"

Now if you know J, you know he is a workaholic. His goal since childhood was to be a millionaire, and I have no doubt he can achieve this goal and will (Lord willing). Over the past month, J has had multiple offers to go into business but he has said, "If I'm going to build a business, I want to build it with family."

"Husbands love your wives just as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her..." Ephesians 6:25

My husband is learning to give himself up for me. And if we never have a family business, and if he never stops traveling, and even if he travels more, it means everything to me to know I have his heart.

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her..." Proverbs 31:10-11 (KJV)

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:10-12 (NIV)

And with that, I'm off to make breakfast for my husband. It's our anniversary!

Did God really say...

Last week J read us the story of Adam and Eve.

Now I knew God had told Adam and Eve they must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. And I knew that the serpent tricked them into eating from it. But what stood out to me was the wording the serpent used.

"Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the Garden'?" (Genesis 3:1 NIV)

When Eve answered that God said they would die if they ate from that specific tree, the serpent refutes it saying, "You will not surely die." (Genesis 3:4)

Now Eve knew exactly what God had said, but the fruit of the tree was "good for food and pleasing to the eye" (Genesis 3:6) so she ate it.

How often do we listen to people who question what God says? And how often do we go with what seems good (pleasing to the eye) even though we know it refutes God's word?

For instance:

• Did God really say marriage is between a man and a woman? (or should we not discriminate)
• Did God really say thou shalt not kill? (or is abortion a woman's right)
• Did God really say the husband is the head of the wife? (or are husbands and wives equal)
• Did God really say we should not spare the rod? (or are there better methods now)
• Did God really say we should not withhold ourselves from our spouse? (or is that just when we're not tired)

Going further in the story, what did Eve do next? She "gave some to her husband." (Genesis 3:6) "Honey, read this book about using timeouts and don't you dare snuggle up to me because I'm not in the mood."

The Bible says, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12)

Eve thought the fruit of the tree was "desireable for gaining wisdom" (Genesis 3:6) and she led her husband to eat it, bringing death to the world. We ladies must be careful to seek wisdom in God's word, lest we deceive our husbands, starting our families on the road to death (divorce, rebellion).

Now I am talking mostly to myself, but I wanted to share in case others are struggling, too. A few weeks ago I told my mom I was confused about a parenting issue and she said, "Read your Bible. Everything I taught you is in there." Enough said, Mom.